Jack White Knows Exactly How He Likes His Guacamole

guacamoleBy now, my lady Internet, you have surely heard about Jack White and his precious guacamole. If your virgin ears have not heard this appetizing piece of news yet, here’s the skinny:

Jack White played a show at the University of Oklahoma and the little turd-nuggets who work for their student newspaper leaked his rider. Part of the rider has a very specific and apparently delicious recipe for guacamole. (I know – this is amazing already, right?) So White’s management company Monotone,Inc. has banned any of their artists from ever performing at the school ever again, and his posse issued this statement claiming that White doesn’t even write his own riders. Maybe so. But they also claim that they’re “not even sure he likes guacamole.”

Yeah, Ohkaaaay.

The White Entourage are also claiming that White never said he wouldn’t play there ever again and OH MY GOD WHO CARES if that guac is all Jacky Boy’s doing. The man played a 2.5 hour show for those bastards and they’re leaking the guy’s favorite snacky-poo? Not cool, homies.  jackwhite

I say: LET JACK EAT. Don’t step in between a man and his guacamole. Even if he wants it super chunky, wants the pits of all eight avocados in the dish itself, with 1/2 of the lime mixed into the guac, and the other half of the lime sprinkled on the top layer. DON’T EVER FUCK AROUND WITH A MAN’S GUACAMOLE. Cuz I’ve seen Jack live and he plays a killer show that melts faces and bursts ear drums. We’ve all seen It Might Get Loud. We know how particular and intense the guy is – why wouldn’t he be as cray with his food stuffs, too?

Anyways, his posse of peeps can pretend that Jack doesn’t like this guacamole all they want, but they’re full of shit. It’s probably, most definitely White’s request. Let him eat guac. As far as that school newspaper…I can only imagine what our student newspaper advisor would have said to us if we made headlines for this. What a mockery of journalism, but I’m so, so thankful they’re a bunch of idiots. It’s not like White asked for all of the brown M&Ms to be removed from his dressing room (David Lee Roth/Van Halen) or to have a shit-ton of broccoli and cauliflower cut up into individual florets and immediately thrown into the garbage (Iggy Pop). Seriously. Those things actually happened.

Shame, OU. But again, thank you.

White’s team can backpedal however they’d like. But this recipe will forever be:

 “Jack White’s Guacamole”

– 8 x large, ripe Hass avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit – SAVE THE PITS THOUGH – and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You’ll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to maintain the avocado in fairly large chunks.)
– 4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)
– 1/2 x yellow onion (finely chopped)
– 1 x full bunch of cilantro (chopped)
– 4 x serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)
– 1 x lime
– Salt & pepper, to taste

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and rested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add ½ lime to the top layer so you cover most of the surface with the juice. (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served.

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