*This post has spoilers for the fourth episode entitled “Could It Be…Satan?”
The Wiccan war is on like Donkey Kong as a brand new gang of Warlocks come face to face with the almighty Supreme, Cordelia Goode. The fourth episode of American Horror Story‘s eighth season brought us back into Michael Langdon’s past, and also regaled us with tales from a pre-apocalypse Miss Robichaux’s Academy. While the episode was sprinkled with massive reveals and not-so-subtle clues, it resurrected an army of questions that makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed in the head by a long, pointy knife.
In the present day, Cordelia, Myrtle Snow and Madison Montgomery (along with the newly revived Mallory, Coco and Dinah) all stand before Michael, who leers at them like Satan himself (which he might be? Maybe? More on that later.) Myrtle Snow cuts through the BS to land a nice digger on Michael’s attire (“The world is almost as bad as his dinner jacket, but at least the world can be saved.”) I don’t necessarily need comedic relief in AHS, I just need Myrtle. Forever. In every season. Please? It seems we’re at a powerful standoff with tension as thick as the slime in Ghostbusters. There’s clearly some history between Michael and Cordelia, so to the past we go!
We see a scene with a teenaged Michael and a caretaker that’s depicted as a pre-robo Big Boo Bates, but who is this show fooling? There’s no way his caretaker is Ms. Mead. BRING ME JESSICA LANGE, DAMMIT. Michael is a conniving, smarmy bit of evil who, I’m surmising, is using trickery to secure his very own robot assassin. Constance is returning and it’s gonna be fierce.
Michael is soon mistaken for a warlock after murdering a grocery store worker who has clearly taken his fair share of shit on the job.
Satan Mikey is then brought to Outpost 3 by a group of male warlocks who believe he could be the Alpha warlock, the only being who could ever be more powerful than The Supreme. Michael passes some rigorous witchy testing (part of what’s included in the test of the Seven Wonders) and he begins impressing even his toughest critics.
The warlocks are like totes lit fam on even the remote possibility of an Alpha, so they invite the coven to their den for a not-so-nice fireside chat, giving us another gem from Myrtle — “Airline food for lunch when I made reservations at Galatoires; it’s just too cruel.” (Frances Conroy, please adopt me. I’m sure Jessica will be willing to share custody.) The meeting doesn’t go as well as the warlocks had planned and as the witches are exiting the building, up walks Michael with two ladies in tow: Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) and Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), who was formerly trapped in Hotel Cortes after being killed by James March and Ramona Royale in Season 5. Cordelia tried multiple times to free Queenie from those shackles, but doing so was beyond her powers, which crushed her inside. She passes out after laying eyes on her formerly (still?) deceased sisters, and possibly after realizing the magnitude of Michael’s power.
Things That Make You Go Hmmm:
-Is Michael a warlock or is he, like the episode title pokes at, Satan himself? Maybe he’s quasi-Satan. Semi-Satan. The Diet Coke of Satan. The spawn of Satan? The mythologies are overlapping repeatedly, so who the hell knows; all I know is he’s a BAD MAN, YOUR HONOR. Can he be both Satan’s descendant and also a warlock? Will anyone be able to take him down? However the show slices it, almost every character is underestimating his malevolence and that will surely lead to many of their demises.
-Hotel Cortes big bad James March recognizes Michael and tells Queenie that she’d better run along with him. 1) It’s fun to see Evan Peters tackle the March character again and 2) this recognition between the two is intriguing, thrilling even.
-Since Mallory killed the rose-color game, it seems she holds far more power than anyone could’ve imagined. Are Coco, Mallory and Dinah some sort of contingency plan for the witches? A back up in case shit hits the fan and the world explodes? Well, check and check! I can’t think of any other reason why Cordelia would want to stow them away like tiny pieces of luggage in an overhead bin.
-Madison’s own personal hell is working at a superstore processing returns. Praise be.
Hit me with all of your theories! Now. NOW, DAMMIT!